It had been a long time coming, but the first time I said it to my family I don’t know who was more relieved; me or them.
It was a Sunday morning. I called my parent’s house phone, my mum answered, we said our usual salutations (no, I would never say that word in real life), and then I suddenly broke down in tears and started hyperventilating.
My mum asked me over and over what was wrong, but I don’t think there was anything but snotty-sounding sobs coming from my end of the phone.
She went quiet and then she calmly said: “Come on, you can tell me.”
She waited, and then after I don’t know how long, I said it: “I’m depressed.”
She let out a sigh of relief and replied: “I know.”
The relief I felt at that moment from just saying a couple of words and getting it out into the open was huge. Just getting it off my chest was a massive, massive step towards my recovery.
I can’t really remember the next 24 hours, but I didn't know what else to do so I booked myself a doctor’s appointment the following morning. I had reached that point where I didn’t think I could feel any lower (or didn't want to know if I could) and I knew that enough was enough, I couldn’t keep up this charade of pretending to be ok. I was desperate for help.
In the build-up (which spans years and years, maybe decades) to my life-changing phone call with my mum, I had several secret behaviours that had become “the norm” for me…
Sometimes I could be stood in front of the mirror, and I’d just cry. Nothing in particular would have triggered this and nothing had upset me, I’d just suddenly look at myself and it would happen. I don’t remember the first time that happened, which probably indicates how many times it must have.
I can remember being about 18 and I’d be driving from mine to a friend’s house (perhaps a 10-minute journey) and the whole journey I’d have tears running down my cheeks. This sort of thing happened regularly for years.
EVERY time I hugged my family goodbye I would be fighting back the tears. I’m pretty sure they knew what was going on, but they could tell I didn’t want to let it happen. We just carried on saying goodbye pretending I wasn't fighting back tears... or maybe I thought they knew and just assumed they were in on the act!
I’d divert conversation away from me to avoid having to talk about anything to do with myself.
Regularly my mood would drop when I was with particular people (mainly my immediate family) and I’d just sit silently. My family would try to make conversation with me, but I think the one-word answers stopped them after a while. They never stopped trying though (for which I am eternally grateful).
The doorbell would ring and before I’d open the door I’d be have a quick practice of the fake smile I needed to put on. I think other people tend to check for spinach between their teeth and their general appearance in a mirror.
From time-to-time I’d avoid making plans with close friends, not because I didn’t like my friends, but because I was so comfortable in their company I was scared of the genuine me, the desperately low and tearful me, making an appearance. I didn’t want to ruin their perception of who I was.
Every so often (perhaps a handful of times if my memory hasn’t blocked out the true amount) for about 15 years I would break down in tears in front of my immediate family. They were obviously concerned and would be trying to get me to open up about what was wrong. I think that they, and I, were aware it was a build-up of emotion and inability to keep my infamous “I’m ok” mask on. But I can vividly remember three particular occasions where I was trying to say everything but I couldn’t explain myself properly. The most I’d say was “I’m such an unhappy person”.
I’d pretend I was looking forward to social events – nights out I genuinely dreaded. To me there was nothing worse than having to be out “on show” in public, feeling as though I was constantly under the spotlight being judged by anyone who saw me. My favourite part of the night was when my friends said they were ready to go home. I know I often used to vanish part way through the night and just jump in a taxi to go home (without saying goodbye to any friends) because I couldn’t take the pressure (that I was putting on myself) anymore.
There’s definitely more "norms" to add to that list but I don’t know if I’ve got enough time to write them all down! At that point I genuinely didn't know how else to behave (so if you can relate to any of the above list, trust me you're not mad!).
I tried a number of different therapies and tactics to help myself but it was experiencing Rapid Transformational Therapy RTT® which was a pivotal moment in my own personal journey, and one I am incredibly grateful for.
RTT® enabled me to see why I was thinking certain things and helped me to let go of old thoughts and behaviours. It transformed my life from what was seemingly getting darker into a much lighter and happier experience.
After just ONE session of therapy I was a changed person. It was the exact thing I had been looking for and facilitated me to become the genuinely content person I am today.
If you know anyone who you think might be depressed, please don’t give up on them. Obviously give them the time and the space that they need, but just keep letting them know you’re there and ready to listen when they’re ready to.
Depression is enough of a lonely place without people giving up on you. Saying those three little words “I have depression” out loud is the hardest and most personal thing I’ve ever had to say. But I’m so relieved I got it off my chest and I'm so glad I found RTT®.