I don't know how many times I drove myself to work, crying all the way, then walked into the office acting as if nothing had happened.
Portraying an individual who was cool as a cucumber in all areas of my life was second nature to me, when internally my mind was racing at 120mph, never focused, constantly thinking about so many different things all at once.
I could be putting ingredients for a prawn stir-fry in my basket at Sainsbury's and be worrying about a wedding that was 6 months away and imagining what people would be thinking of me, always assuming the worst. I would be dreading the questions of "so what have you been up to since I last saw you" and I'd be assuming that they'd judge me for "still" being single or not having accomplished much, thinking I looked frumpy/ugly/too pale.
I could never just be in the moment.
I could never see how much I had actually achieved.
I couldn't see that I only had a negative opinion of myself and was just always putting myself down.
I could never give myself a feckin' break!
I've lost so many hours, days and probably weeks to overthinking and anxiety. Doubting my capability regarding the most menial tasks at work or worrying I'd be judged for not being good enough in some way - even fearing/assuming my own friends and family might have this opinion of me.
It was my normal. I didn't know any different.
I assumed everyone wakes up feeling utter dread at the start of every day and then immediately start day-dreaming of the moment I could go back to bed to get away from the worries that being awake brings.
This constant negativity towards myself grew and grew. It was all-consuming. I couldn't switch it off. I'd be watching an episode of British Bake Off all the while, scrolling through social media, and tell myself that no one really wants to be my friend, they just feel obliged or something. I'd be comparing everything about myself to a load of strangers' (and friends') highly-filtered/cropped photos. I'd be completely aware that the images were enhanced in someway, but no matter what I said to myself I couldn't help but constantly think the grass was greener and my garden was miserable.
Miserable is an understatement. I was an anxious, sad, lonely, lost, depressed soul.
I could be in a room of 100 people and still feel that way. I could be dolled up, rocking a new outfit, earning a good salary but still I felt like shite. Nothing was changing no matter how much I got promoted at work, no matter how many friends I had. The same thoughts just stayed there, ever-present, continuously dragging me down and putting my mind in dark places.
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't carry these thoughts around with me everywhere I went no matter who I was with. I needed help. I needed to see things differently and change my inner dialogue - but I didn't know how to.
I know that when I started talking about how I was feeling to a select few it helped. I chose my audience carefully, but I also edited the script accordingly so not to scare the bejesus out of my friends and family but also to avoid adding more items to my ever-growing list of worries about them thinking I was some freak because of my thoughts.
Then I found a counsellor. She let me talk. She listened, never judged. Gradually I exposed all of my thoughts to my counsellor. I felt better for it, and the more I spoke the more I noticed a difference in how I held myself, how I spoke about myself and who I spent my time with. The clouds gradually, very gradually parted.
But I noticed some of my old habits were still hanging around no matter how much I spoke about things and I couldn't figure out why. It was driving me mad that even though I had a clear grasp of who I was and understood what was triggering certain emotions - I still couldn't prevent myself from going down the rabbit hole of anxiety, and I was terrified of heading back into being depressed.
And then I experienced RTT®. It helped me to see why I was behaving how I had been and where those thoughts originated from. It enabled me to let go of those unhelpful old ways and made room for new, positive beliefs. I couldn't believe the difference it made to my life almost instantly.
My life was finally mine for the making.
I am no longer controlled by anxiety, instead I am taking control of myself and my emotions and living my best life.
If you can relate to any of this and want to understand yourself better and make the changes to being a healthier, happier version of you then get in touch and see how Get It Off Your Chest Therapy can help you.